Book Review: How to Win Friends & Influence People

Knick knack - patty whack - Gmoney's back with another post. This post is the start to a new segment that will hopefully benefit myself and you, the reader. One of my personal goals for 2020 is to read several books. The problem with this is that I have a terrible memory and even if I find books super interesting or important, I have a hard time remembering the main points of each one. So, I decided the best way to retain some of the lessons learned is to write a review on here. That way I am able to refresh myself quickly and easily on the important lessons of each book. My current book is How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I've heard on podcast and read in other blog posts how instrumental the lessons in this book are to communicating effectively with others. So, without further ado, here is the most important lessons from each section:

Section 1 - Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1) Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

2) Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3) Arouse in the other person an eager want.

I think this first section is pretty straight forward about how to handle people. People appreciate it when you aren't negative (1) and find it easier to be around you. Everyone enjoys getting compliments, so why not tell people when you appreciate something they do (1). It is amazing to give compliments to people about the little things they do and see how happy they are that someone noticed their efforts. Number 3 deals with the fact that if you want someone to do something for you, plant the seed in their mind that they actually want to do it. For example, say a kid has a messy room that needs cleaned. If a parent goes in and demands the room to be cleaned, it is unlikely the kid will complete the chore gladly. But, if the parent says that the kid's favorite super hero loves to keep their room clean, then the kid will arouse a desire to clean the room without the parent demanding it. The child's own desire to be like their idol pushed them to clean their room.

Section 2 - Six Ways to Make People Like You

1) Become genuinely interested in others

2) Smile

3) Names are extremely important to others

4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

5) Talk about other people's interest

6) Make others feel important & appreciated and do so sincerely.

I never realized how important people's own names were until I read this chapter. I feel more important when someone calls me by my name, so why not making it a point to remember and call people by theirs? It makes complete sense. Who would you rather associate with after meeting for the first time: someone who remembers your name (3), something about you (5) and the what was talked about in the previous conversation (4) or someone who is oblivious to your personality and only remembers what they talked about in the conversation. I know who I would rather talk to again. Smiling (2) definitely helps as well. It makes people more inviting and friendly. I really enjoyed this section because it reminded me that how we look/ act towards others plays such a key role in building a relationship.

Section 3 - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1) The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2) Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

3) If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4) Begin in a friendly way.

5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

8) Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

9) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

10) Appeal to nobler motives.

11) Dramatize your ideas.

12) Throw down a challenge.

It is very difficult to win people over to your way of thinking especially when they already have an opposing view on the subject. This section goes over the best way to overcome this obstacle. I found the first 3 lessons extremely interesting for personal relationships. When dealing with a loved one, arguing is never fun. Numbers 1 and 2 discuss how avoiding an argument (and the negative feelings that come with it) is important to a relationship. Yelling and shouting can never persuade the opposing party in a positive way. It's better to listen to their point of view (2, 6, & 8) and then try to understand where they are coming from (9). After both parties have been heard, then hopefully a compromise can happen. However, if I am wrong in the discussion and I realize this, I need to be upfront and apologize (3).

When trying to persuade someone to agree with you, 4, 5, 7, & 10-12 are the way to go. Begin the discussion in a friendly way (4) and get the person saying yes to things you know they agree with (5). For example, let's pretend I am giving a presentation to my boss about why we should transfer all of our data to a new software. After beginning my speech in a friendly way, I could ask the boss questions I know they would agree with. "Would you like our data to process faster? Would you like a smaller learning curve for new hires who need trained in our software? What about an easier user interface to interact with?" After saying yes to all these questions, the boss may be more open to the ideas I bring to them.

Section 4 - Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2) Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

5) Let the other person save face.

6) Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9) Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Number 5 hit me hard in this section - I can't lie. I have a bad habit of correcting people if I know they said something incorrect. I will interrupt and correct them but what good does that do? All it does is embarrass them, hurt their pride, and make me look like a jerk. I didn't realize how degrading it was until I read this. That is something I will definitely change from now on. It is also a lot easier to bring a person's mistakes to light by admitting some of your own first (3) and then gently pushing them to realize their own faults (2). 6-9 discusses how to act while the other person is correcting their mistake. By giving them encouragement and praising them every step of the way, the person who is correcting the mistake doesn't feel as bad about messing up. It also builds a relationship of trust where that person feels that they can come to you when they mess up, knowing you won't explode. Number 7 refers to giving someone a good reputation before knowing their actual reputation. For example, let's say I call the customer service of a wifi provider. By beginning the conversation by saying, "Hello! I hope your day is going well. I've heard your company has excellent customer service so I'm looking forward to speaking with you." That call rep will feel the need to live up to that excellent reputation.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone and I will be rereading it in the future. To me, my biggest takeaway was to treat others how you want to be treated. Everyone wants to be shown kindness, patience, understanding, to be listened to, and appreciated. People like those that are upfront, honest, optimistic, and smile. All of this isn't rocket science - the hardest part will be putting these lessons into action.

Until next time,

G$